Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.
Two factory workers are talking.
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.
A man is talking to God.
The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it’s about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it’s a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?
Student: A heart attack.
Teacher: This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.
Auditors
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side
of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The
driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses,
TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the
shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one
of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large
flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters
a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60
Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a
150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.' The shepherd cheers, 'That's
correct, you can have your sheep.' The young man takes one of the animals
from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks
at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to
me?' The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd.
driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses,
TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the
shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one
of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large
flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters
a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60
Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a
150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.' The shepherd cheers, 'That's
correct, you can have your sheep.' The young man takes one of the animals
from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks
at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to
me?' The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd.
'Firstly, you came here without being wanted..
Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.
Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business....'
'.....Now can I have my "dog" back?
